Books
Books for suicide support
Dying to be Free
After Suicide Loss: Coping with Your Grief Jack Jordan, Ph.D., and Bob Baugher, Ph.D., Caring People Press, 2016 (2nd edition).
Available through the AFSP store.
This excellent handbook is organized chronologically to follow the days, weeks, and months after a suicide loss. It includes straightforward information about psychiatric disorders, when to seek professional help, and practical strategies for coping and healing.
Black Suicide: The Tragic Reality of America’s Deadliest SecretAlton R. Kirk, Ph.D., Beckham Publications Group, 2009.
A brief exploration of suicide in the African American community, including a chapter dedicated to first-person accounts of black survivors of suicide loss.
Dying to Be Free: A Healing Guide for Families after a SuicideBeverly Cobain and Jean Larch, Hazelden Foundation, 2006.
Co-authored by a crisis intervention specialist and a cousin of Kurt Cobain, the lead singer of the band Nirvana who took his life in 1994, this book combines personal accounts from loss survivors with practical guidance for coping with suicide loss.
The Gift of Second: Healing from the Impact of SuicideBrandy Lidbeck, Gift Pub, 2016.
The Gift of Second by therapist and suicide loss survivor Lidbeck offers hope and advice to guide survivors through the desperate time after a suicide loss. Wise and compassionate, this valuable book explores the nature of grief and trauma, helps loss survivors let go of their burden of guilt and shame, and sets them on a healthy path to healing.
Healing after the Suicide of a Loved OneAnn Smolin and John Guinan, Simon and Schuster, 1993.
Many survivors struggle with the questions “why?” and “what if?” This book shares case studies and offers advice to help survivors begin to heal.
Lay My Burden Down: Unraveling Suicide and the Mental Health Crisis Among African-AmericansAlvin F. Poussaint, M.D., and Amy Alexander, Beacon Press, 2001.
One of only a few books addressing suicide and mental health problems within the African American community.
Reaching Out after Suicide: What’s Helpful and What’s NotLinda H. Kilburn, M.S.W., 2008.
Available from KP Associates, LLC (kpamass@aol.com).
A clinical hospice social worker and survivor of her daughter’s suicide, Kilburn offers practical advice for well-meaning friends and family who want to reach out and be supportive after a suicide, but aren’t sure what to do or say.
Rocky Roads: The Journeys of Families through Suicide GriefMichelle Linn-Gust, Ph.D., Chellehead Works, 2010.
Written by a survivor who lost a sibling, this guide explores the effects of suicide and grief on family relationships. Linn-Gust addresses the reasons some families work through their suicide loss and become stronger than before, while others struggle with coming back together as a family unit.
Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of SuicideChristopher Lukas and Henry M. Seiden, Ph.D., Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2007 (revised edition).
As they explore common experiences of bereavement, grief reactions, and various ways of coping, the authors emphasize the importance of sharing one’s experience of “survival” with others. They encourage loss survivors to overcome the stigma or shame associated with suicide and to seek outside support.
Suicide of a ChildAdina Wrobleski, Centering Corp., 2002.
A basic guide for early bereavement after your child’s suicide that offers comforting, compassionate, easy-to-read observations and personal messages.
Suicide Survivors’ HandbookTrudy Carlson, Benline Press, 2000 (expanded edition).
Providing specific suggestions and practical advice from other survivors, the author addresses the following questions: Why? What about shame and guilt? How long does the pain last? What helps? How do you deal with others?
Survivors of SuicideRita Robinson and Phyllis Hart, New Page Books, 2001.
A compilation of advice and loss survivor stories.
Touched by Suicide: Hope and Healing after LossMichael F. Myers, M.D., and Carla Fine, Gotham Books, 2006.
Co-authored by a psychiatrist and a loss survivor, this book offers detailed steps, practical suggestions, and compassionate advice on coping with all aspects of suicide.
Unfinished Conversation: Healing from Suicide and Loss — A Guided JourneyRobert E. Lesoine and Marilynne Chopel, Parallax Press, 2013.
Based on a journal Lesoine kept following the loss of his best friend, this book also offers tools and techniques which provide survivors with effective new means to face their own experience. After each brief chapter of the author’s story, revealing a particular stage or action in the aftermath of a suicide, readers are invited through a series of related questions to reflect on their own experiences and memories in order to facilitate a transformative healing process.
Voices of Healing and Hope: Conversations on Grief after SuicideIris Bolton, Bolton Press Atlanta, 2017. Includes DVD of interviews.
Through an informal survey of family members impacted by suicide, Iris Bolton, author of My Son…My Son: A Guide to Healing after Death, Loss, or Suicide, identified eight issues that were among the most difficult for suicide loss survivors to cope with: why, guilt, shame, anger, pain, fear, depression, and faith. This poignant book includes the stories of more than twenty-five loss survivors as they relate to these challenges.
Why Suicide? Questions and Answers about Suicide, Suicide Prevention, and Coping with the Suicide of Someone You KnowEric Marcus, HarperOne, 2010 (revised edition).
Eric Marcus, who lost both his father and sister-in-law to suicide, addresses the myriad questions with which loss survivors are inevitably left in the wake of a loved one’s suicide. The Q&A format is accessible, informative, and reassuring.
The Wilderness of Suicide Grief: Finding Your WayAlan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. Companion Press, 2010.
Using the metaphor of grief as a wilderness, this guidebook, written by a grief counselor, offers ten wisdom teachings, including being open to the presence of loss, misconceptions about suicide and grief, and reaching out for help. The author also offers an expanded version titled Understanding Your Grief: Ten Touchstones of Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart, and the companion workbook, The Understanding Your Suicide Grief Journal
Psalms of comfort
The recitation of psalms – sacred songs or hymns – in times of distress, uncertainty and thanksgiving provides comfort, as they reflect a personal relationship with God. There are 150 psalms whose authorship is attributed to King David (10th century B.C.E.), and they are the most famous of all religious poetry, beseeching God’s mercy and protection. Some are recited every day, and others are particularly relevant in a time of mourning. If you are preparing for a funeralor unveiling, or just seeking personal comfort and knowledge, below are a few select psalms that we found meaningful.
Psalm 16
Protect me, Eternal One, for I seek refuge in You. I say to God: “You are Adonai, there is none beyond You." Adonai is my allotted share and portion. I bless Adonai who has guided me; my conscience admonishes me at night. I am ever mindful of the Divine Presence who is at my right hand; I shall never be shaken. So my heart rejoices; my whole being exults, and my body rests secure.
Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul; He guideth me in straight paths for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou hast anointed my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 32
Happy is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Happy is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile. When I kept silence, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy on me; my moisture is turned into the drought of summer. Selah. I acknowledged my sin to You, and I did not hide my iniquity. I said, I will confess my transgressions to the Lord; and You forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah. For this shall every one who is pious pray to You in a time when You may be found; then surely the floods of great waters shall not come near him. You are my hiding place; You shall preserve me from trouble; You shall surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah. I will instruct You and teach You in the way which You shall go; I will counsel You with my eye upon You. Do not be like the horse, or like the mule, which have no understanding; whose mouth must be held in with bit and bridle, lest they do not come near You. Many are the sorrows of the wicked; but loving kindness shall surround him who trusts in the Lord. Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, You righteous; and shout for joy, all You who are upright in heart.
Psalm 34:19
Adonai is close to the brokenhearted, And helps those crushed in spirit.
Psalm 41
Happy is he who considers the poor; the Lord will save in the day of evil. The Lord will preserve him, and keep him alive; he is called happy on earth; and You will not deliver him to the will of his enemies. The Lord will strengthen him on his sick bed; whenever he is prostrate You will heal all his illnesses. I said, Lord, be merciful to me; heal my soul; for I have sinned against You. My enemies speak evil of me, When shall he die, and his name perish? And if one comes to see me, he speaks vanity; his heart gathers iniquity to itself; when he goes out, he tells it. All who hate me whisper together against me; against me they plot my harm. They say, An evil disease cleaves fast to him, and from where he lies he shall rise up no more. Even my own close friend, in whom I trusted, who ate of my bread, has lifted up his heel against me. But You, O Lord, be gracious to me, and raise me up, that I may pay them back. By this I know that You favor me, because my enemy does not triumph over me. And as for me, You uphold me in my integrity, and You set me before Your face for ever. Blessed be the Lord God of Israel from everlasting, and to everlasting. Amen, and Amen.
Psalm 42:2-6
As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after Thee, O God. My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: 'When shall I come and appear before God?' My tears have been my food day and night, while they say unto me all the day: 'Where is Thy God?' These things I remember, and pour out my soul within me, how I passed on with the throng, and led them to the house of God, with the voice of joy and praise, a multitude keeping holyday. Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why moanest thou within me? Hope thou in God; for I shall yet praise Him for the salvation of His countenance.
Psalm 77
I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; my hand is stretched out in the night, and does not rest; my soul refuses to be comforted. I remember God, and I moan; I meditate and my spirit faints. Selah. You hold my eyelids from closing; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. I consider the days of old, the years of ancient times. I remember my melody in the night; I talk with my heart; and my spirit searches. Will the Lord cast off for ever? And will he be favorable no more? Has his loving kindness ceased for ever? Does his promise fail for evermore? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his tender mercies? Selah. And I said, It is my sickness that the right hand of the Most High has changed. I will remember the works of the Lord; surely I will remember Your wonders of old. And I will meditate on all Your work, and muse on Your deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. Who is so great a God as our God? You are the God that does wonders; You have declared Your strength among the people. With Your arm You have redeemed Your people, the sons of Jacob and Joseph. Selah. The waters saw You, O God, the waters saw You; they were afraid; the depths also trembled. The clouds poured out water; the skies sent out a sound; Your arrows flashed on every side. The voice of Your thunder was in the whirlwind; the lightnings lightened the world; the earth trembled and shook. Your way was through the sea, and Your path through the great waters; and Your footsteps were not known. You led Your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
Psalm 90
O God, You have been our refuge in every generation. Before the mountains came into being, before You brought forth the earth and the world, from eternity to eternity You are God. You return us to dust; Your decree: “Return, you mortals!” For in Your sight a thousand years are as yesterday when it has passed, as a watch n the night. You engulf us in sleep; we are like grass that renews itself; at daybreak it flourishes anew; at dusk it withers and dries up. The span of our life is threescore years and ten, or, given strength, fourscore years; But the best of those years have trouble and sorrow. They pass by speedily, and we are in darkness. Teach us, therefore, so to number our days that we may attain a heart of wisdom, Turn to us, O God! Show mercy to Your servants. Satisfy us at daybreak wit Your steadfast love That we may sing for joy all our days. Let Your deeds be seen by Your servants, Your glory by their children. May Your favor, O God, be upon us. Establish the work of our hands that it may long endure.
Psalm 91
You Who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, Who abides in the shadow of the Omnipotent, I say [to you] of the Lord Who is my refuge and my stronghold, my G-d in Whom I trust, that He will save you from the ensnaring trap, from the destructive pestilence. He will cover you with His pinions and you will find refuge under His wings; His truth is a shield and an armor. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, the pestilence that prowls in the darkness, nor the destruction that ravages at noon. A thousand may fall at your [left] side, and ten thousand at your right, but it shall not reach you. You need only look with your eyes, and you will see the retribution of the wicked. Because you [have said,] "The Lord is my shelter," and you have made the Most High your haven, no evil will befall you, no plague will come near your tent. For He will instruct His angels in your behalf, to guard you in all your ways. They will carry you in their hands, lest you hurt your foot on a rock. You will tread upon the lion and the viper; you will trample upon the young lion and the serpent. Because he desires Me, I will deliver him; I will fortify him for he knows My Name. When he calls on Me, I will answer him; I am with him in distress, I will deliver him and honor him. I will satisfy him with long life, and show him My deliverance.
Psalm 121
I lift my eyes to the mountains; What is the source of my help? My help comes from Adonai, Maker of heaven and earth. God will not let your foot give way; your Protector will not slumber. See, the Protector of Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps! God is your Guardian, God is your protection at your right hand. The sun will not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. God will guard you from all harm God will guard your soul, your going and coming, now and forever.
Psalm 103:13-17
As a father has compassion for his children Adonai has compassion for those who show reverence. God knows how we are fashioned, God remembers that we are dust. The days of mortals are like grass; We flourish as the flowers of the field. A wind passes over them and they are not more; And no one can recognize where they grew. But adonai’s compassion is everlasting. God’s kindness to children’s children, To all the reverent ones, Endures, age after age, unchanging.
Ecclesiastes 3
For everything there is a season, a time for every experience under heaven: A time to be born and a time to die, A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted, A time to tear down and a time to build up, A time to weep and a time to laugh, A time to grieve and a time to dance, A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones, A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, A time to seek and a time to lose, A time to keep and a time to discard, A time to tear and a time to sew,
poems of comfort
Finding the appropriate words to express condolences and gain comfort during a time of loss can be difficult. Whether you are preparing for a funeral and searching for inspiration or seeking personal comfort and knowledge, the below poems, parables and proverbs we find meaningful and helpful.
We Remember Them by Sylvan Kamens & Rabbi Jack Riemer
At the rising sun and at its going down; We remember them. At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter; We remember them. At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring; We remember them. At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer; We remember them. At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn; We remember them. At the beginning of the year and when it ends; We remember them. As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as We remember them. When we are weary and in need of strength; We remember them. When we are lost and sick at heart; We remember them. When we have decisions that are difficult to make; We remember them. When we have joy we crave to share; We remember them. When we have achievements that are based on theirs; We remember them. For as long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as, We remember them.
Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep by Mary Elizabeth Frye
Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die.
When All That's Left Is Love by Rabbi Allen S. Maller
When I die If you need to weep Cry for someone Walking the street beside you. You can love me most by letting Hands touch hands, and Souls touch souls. You can love me most by Sharing your Simchas (goodness) and Multiplying your Mitzvot (acts of kindness). You can love me most by Letting me live in your eyes And not on your mind. And when you say Kaddish for me Remember what our Torah teaches, Love doesn’t die People do. So when all that’s left of me is love Give me away.
God Gives and God Takes by Rabbi Allen S. Maller
God gives opportunities for us to love but not forever. God takes opportunities away after a while. So don't hesitate or delay or curse the darkness while remaining mired in sadness and hopelessness, because God gives; and God takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD. But why bless the LORD when God takes away? Because if the opportunities were always there, we would wait until the time was just right and never make the leap, and more of life would slip away. So God gives and God takes; Blessed be God's name.
Krieh – Tearing the Cloth by Harold M. Schulweis
Why rend the clothes? So strange to a tradition that admonishes not to break or to destroy It is for the sake of anger against the unfairness of the world anger against him or her, God or self? Is tearing the cloth to give outer expression to the tattered soul within? Or is it a parallelism the death of a person like the burning of a Sefer Torah for which tearing the clothes is performed? The burial of a human like the burial of a Torah A human being is like a Sefer Torah Studied, it has wisdom to impart Lived, it has goodness to convey. Rend the garments for the "Torah-mensch" Each of us a letter in the Torah scroll Together our lives are intertwined Our common fate and faith our common destiny find us like the stitches of the parchment when any of us is lost The holy text is torn. In memory we are mended.
When Will I Be Myself Again by Rabbi Lewis John Eron
“When will I be myself again?” Some Tuesday, perhaps, In the late afternoon, Sitting quietly with a cup of tea, And a cookie; Or Wednesday, same time or later, You will stir from a nap and see her; You will pick up the phone to call her; You will hear her voice – unexpected advice – And maybe argue. And you will not be frightened, And you will not be sad, And you will not be alone, Not alone at all, And your tears will warm you. But not today, And not tomorrow, And not tomorrow’s tomorrow, But some day, Some Tuesday, late in the afternoon, Sitting quietly with a cup of tea, And a cookie; And you will be yourself again.
To One in Sorrow by Grace Noll Crowell
Let me come in where you are weeping, friend, And let me take your hand. I, who have known a sorrow such as yours, Can understand. Let me come in -- I would be very still Beside you in your grief; I would not bid you cease your weeping, friend, Tears can bring relief. Let me come in -- I would only breathe a prayer, And hold your hand, For I have known a sorrow such as yours, And understand.
To Fall in Battle by Kaila Shabat
They came to tell me that you fell in the battle for the Chinese Farm, their faces streaked with sweat, and tears that were for me. Then they put you in the ground beneath the mountain where you were born, beside the friends with whom you played and fought and died. Your little boy did not understand, he smiled and skipped and stopped to pick wild cyclamen, which I placed on your grave. I saw their tears blending with the rain, their cold hands clasped mine warmly but a shield of shock protected me from the pain. Now I wander the long white halls and in the shuffling of slippers I listen for the thud of your boots coming towards me. The doctor behind his desk says without saying what I will not understand. "Others have learned to live with the death of a loved one". "Then they knew not love!" "You are young and beautiful, there will be another man." "For me there is no other!" "What about your little son? You have a duty to him." "To raise him to die in battle?"
Jewish Proverbs
What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul. - Jewish Proverb
The 'gift' of grief is that it presents us with the opportunity to heal and grow. - Jewish Proverb
To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven. – Ecclesiastes
Say not in grief 'he is no more' but in thankfulness that he was. - Hebrew Proverb
As long as we live, they too will live; for they are now are a part of us; as we remember them. - Jewish Prayer
God is closest to those with broken hearts. - Jewish Proverb
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A Mother’s Parable by Temple Baily
The young mother set her foot on the path of Life. “Is the way long?” she asked. And her Guide said, “Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning.”
But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed with them in the streams, and the sun shone on them, and life was good, and the young mother cried, “Nothing will ever be lovelier than this.”
Then night came with the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle. And the children said, “Oh, Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come.” And the mother said, “This is better than the brightest of days, for I have taught my children courage.”
And the morning came and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary. And the mother was weary, but at all times she said to the children, “A little patience and we are there.” So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said, “We could not have done it without you, Mother.” And the mother, when she lay down that night, looked up at the stars and said, “This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of difficulty. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today I have given them strength.”
And the next day came strange clouds that darkened the earth — clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled. And the mother said, “Look up! Lift your eyes to the light.” And the children looked and saw above the clouds an Everlasting Glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the mother said, “This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God.”
And the days went on, and the months and the years, and the mother grew old, and she was small and bent. But her children were strong and tall and walked with courage. And when the way was hard, they helped their mother; and when the way was rough they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond the hill they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And the mother said, “I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know that the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them.”
And the children said, “You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates.”
And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said, “We cannot see her, but she is with us. A mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence.”